While doctors staunchly oppose cosleeping, many families do it anyway. And many researchers agree that, if done safely, parents should be able to share their sleep with their child. But is there an age limit to the family bed?
Each of my three children bedshared. I found cosleeping to be wonderful, not only for breastfeeding at night and maximizing my sleep, but also for bonding and helping them learn to cope with nighttime fears. I allowed each to self-wean from cosleeping much like self-weaning from breastfeeding. When allowed, it happens naturally and easily.
Although the weaning process may go slower than adults feel it should, change at the child’s pace tends to work better than if forced.
My goal for all my kids was to transition to their own beds in a separate room by Kindergarten. The oldest moved to her own bed in another room, cold turkey, the day we moved into our new home when she was in preschool. My middle child needed baby steps, moving first out of the adult bed onto a crib mattress on the floor in the same room, and then eventually to another room that she shared with her big sister.
The youngest would go back and forth during his preschool years, wanting to cosleep one night and to sleep alone the next night. He fully transitioned to his own bed when my oldest moved into her own room and allowed him bunk space with my middle child.
That said, cosleeping is still part of our family’s life. I invite my kids into my bedroom with sleeping bags on the floor for an occasional family sleepover, and will welcome one if they should wake from a bad dream.
I’m a firm believer that kids will transition away from bedsharing when they’re ready. That age may vary depending on many factors, including the child’s individual temperament, family stress, other social difficulties that may be happening such as at daycare or school, and the child’s developed stress-coping skills. Bedsharing with parents provides space for security. If an older child is dealing with an overload of stress during the day, nighttime bonding is a time for recharging especially if the child doesn’t know how to resolve the stress.
I saw this with my own children. Just last year, when my son had started Kindergarten, he wanted to go back to bedsharing. And I allowed it as I helped him learn new coping skills. When he felt more comfortable with the new school experience, he began sleeping on his own again.
It seems that many parents wonder about the age limit to cosleeping. Cultures around the world routinely bedshare with their children well through their first decade, as this Notre Dame University researcher points out. But for parents who are wanting to transition their kid out of their bedroom, I suggest looking at two areas of their child’s life:
1. What’s happening during the day?
This may seem like a funny question, but what happens during the day reflects in their nighttime behavior. A child who feels more secure and less stressed during the day will tend to be more confident about sleeping on their own. A child who is struggling during the day needs the security of cosleeping to deal with the next day.
My husband and I went through a rough patch in our marriage when our older two were in preschool. I noticed quickly that they both sought extra closeness during the nights following a heated argument between their father and me. It wasn’t a coincidence, but cause and effect. Unresolved daytime stress, whether illness or family stress or not getting as much bonding time with a parent, will translate into a child needing to reclaim centeredness and security overnight.
2. What’s happening during the night?
Just as kids need to feel secure during the day, so do they at night. Bedsharing and room-sharing are but two ways that parents can practice nighttime parenting. The point is that we need to be available for reassurance even at night, whether or not we’re cosleeping with our children. They need to know they can wake us if they have a bad dream, or see a funny shadow, or hear a scratching noise on the window. They need to know that it’s OK to ask for a drink of water or just an extra hug.
Just as kids who feel more secure during the day tend to sleep better at night, so do kids who feel more secure in their parents’ presence at night.